It must be a full moon weekend. All of my weird booty calls are coming out of the woodwork. I spent 40 minutes on the phone last night telling one why he is so creepy.
Last night my friend tried to make out with me in an olive garden. Ahahah
Nothing says 'I love you' like never ending salad and breadsticks
his internet history is a lot of porn, how to make a hovercraft and side-effects of jacking off too much
I'm worried my skin won't stretch enough to handle this boner. Then what?
I am so juiced up on period drugs and coffee I feel like my skin is going to fall off.
Also, I found out that my dad has the name of every boy that I've ever dated and their physical description, car type and tag number stored in his computer.
Apparently Angela went missing once and he says he learned were to look first and that it's best to have information on hand.
Just ushered a raccoon across the street so yeah.. Good night
I tried to twerk on a barn in 3 inch heels at a party last night and nose dived into mud. These were all new friends. I'm probably not allowed back. Cool.
Still stoned. I like your bong. It can stay. No others, though.
What kind of present accurately says to my male suitemate "I'm sorry that I accidentally flashed you my vagina while I was super drunk"?
I am eating a king sized snickers in the strip club. Good morning.
The exact people you expect to find at a bar at 2pm are here. Come visit. We'd really like the company.
good news: i got laid. bad news: by your boyfriend
For starters i called the cops on myself for trying to destroy the ladys decorations
Oh! I forgot to tell you. Part of that weird ass dream last night. I was jamie lee curtis and I cut off all my hair because yogurt.
Randomize
