I don't usually arrange sex via text message
Hashbrowns don't come out your nose as easily as you would think
He's trying to row the canoe up my front yard like he is Lewis and Clark.
I jumped on his cock in 2 seconds flat. Thanks mom for sending me to gymnastics when I was a kid.
He was going down on me as I discovered a spaghetti-O on my boob. Its been a while since I faked it.
If the world ends now I want you to know I was on my favorite toilet fighting the good fight.
My mom wants to know what to send you in a care package. She used cat emojis, so you know it's serious
I fell asleep on the floor again. i dont want help, just a pillow. its kind of nice down here.
Just killed a snake in my bed! And by killed I mean hit repeatedly with my fist. And by snake I mean a lump in the covers. And I pissed my pants.
And I'm determined to make an Eiffel Tower happen sometime. I just don't know who will take the pic (first world sex problem?)
I wish I got like a congrats basket for being a responsible sexually active member of society complete with condoms, tissues and lollipops.
I don't like how my gyno is telling me how to live my life.
My phone just put together a highlight reel of yesterday's dick pic session, set to music and everything
Damn you are the highwater mark of the naked women in my life. Like idk what lined up but yeah.
you were just in my dream and you looked at me and said "Christmas is cold." I think you're wasted even in my dreams.
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