Red Bull/Vodka? You bet I'm showing everyone my penis tonight.
I want to fuck you on the side of the bed tonight.
babe, don't say it like that!
I'm sorry, I want to penetrate you on the edge of our sleeping quarters this evening.
He said he wanted to see my room, not my womb. It's a common mistake.
Also I climbed atop a mailbox with a toilet paper hat and a wolverine claw made of glowsticks, screaming at passers-by that they were going to die. Control me
he just texted me saying he needs a place to stay for the night. pretty sure i just got booty called to my own house...
Because selling drugs to kids never goes out of business. We get older, they stay the same stupid.
You're lucky you got out when you did, about an hour later the girl in the Franzia box started wrestling everyone.
I'm resourceful. I forgot we don't have coca cola so now I'm drinking Jack & Dew or Mountain Daniels. Also, I haven't decided on an official name yet for this drink. I'm leaning toward Jack & Dew
Imagine Arby's curly fries spiraled around a dick
shut up and let me use my vagina as a weapon of self destruction in peace!
He's far too busy staring into my soul to touch my tits.
You tried to prove you weren't drunk by loudly singing the romanian national anthem. Why the fuck do you even KNOW the romanian national anthem?
I can't get past the whole vibrator up the ass stunt.. Can we have a ceremonial burning for his dignity because I will not ever touch that again..
...okay, you can't just say 'masturbating llama' and not explain yourself
I could be doing way worse things besides texting him 'come over and bang my headache away'. i could be on meth
Randomize
