She told me she only masterbates to Kenny Rogers songs.
OMG. What did u say?
I told her I did too.
They totally botched my boob job. My tits look like they're are winking.
Everyone is in jail. I'll see what i can do though
I can't go out tonight. I feel like I'm starting to party as much as Farrah on Teen Mom.
you know by doing this we are using dad as a drug mule right?
Just got blown in a rental car. I need to get rear ended more often
What's the best way to say, "it's too early in our relationship to leave me at your place alone"? Steal something?
She asked me to go inside, make myself a drink and slip into something a little more naked.
When the question of, do you know who's ass has been on the cake you are eating is said... Good or bad party?
the japanese bartender dressed as a cowboy in assless chaps just told me i was too drunk for another shot
You think he will forgive me for the paper being a week late if I bring him a beer?
...it's a 9am class...
BRING THE BAGELS
I kid you not. He let me in into his house, showed me the putt putt in his backyard. Offered to play me.
Is it wrong to want to have sex with one guy who's good in bed before going out on a date with a guy I actually like?
Want to go to Victoria’s Secret? His fiancée is out of town and I’m going to try and stop the wedding with lingerie and lots adventurous sex
Absolutely! I love a good sexual filibuster!
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