Dude if you're in another zip code it doesn't count
You don't understand. I'm not like you.
When I'm drunk and can't pee, I sing my abc's in my head and try to pee before I get to pee. Last night I forgot to do it in my head
I was so proud to be driving sober that I wanted to get pulled over so I could tell the officer I hadn't been drinking.
I went to the haunted house just to see her - Hello new fetish!
She gave me a handjob at the dinner table while her dad was carving the turkey. I made eye contact with him. Im pretty sure he knew.
Just received a visit from the Ghost of Bad Decisions Past. Kind of weird 90% of the flashbacks happened in the same sixteen month span, the rest happened at Taco Bell.
We wore fake mustaches and shirts that said team mustache ride to a party we weren't even invited to
I have a rash on my arm from the cat litter. Think the cat will be mad that I peed in its box?
I flashed my cleaning lady and don't remember who I went on a date with. I know who I woke up with though, that counts right?
I have aggressive nipples.
I should know better than to open your texts at the grocery store
I legit feel like I had sex with Joey Fatone. Is that weird?
Thirty seconds is a long time in jizz time...
Why do pants feel so unnatural once you enter your own house
how am i in montreal? thats like a 3 hour train ride. i remember nothing.
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