First night home from college and I already forgot that walking around nearly naked with my laptop open to smut porn isn't acceptable. Sorry, mom.
I walked in on him shirtless licking the mirror while talking to his reflection. So yes, I definitely want to do shrooms the next time you get them.
So basically i got outta bed and started peeing on the a/c unit..when my roommate tried to stop me i looked at him and said "i got this"
just tried googling 24 hr taco bell and when i typed "24 hour" it autocompleted with fitness. buzzzz killllll
You're not invited to the wedding. They don't want you starting a "who's fucked the bride the most" contest.
there is a dorito bag in my car full of my mouth blood
I'm not saying Tijuana was a bad idea, I'm saying that we make poor life choices. And Steve was robbed by the police.
That was the #1 scariest moment in my life. I have full trust in you, I let you bite my penis for god sake.
i tied my phone to a string attached to my bra. i am NOT losing it tonight
The forecast for tonight is alcohol and low expectations.
You're the only meteorologist I listen to.
I've been called an asshole for a lot of things in my life, but I never thought it would be because of potatoes
you flipped over the sheets and there was my bed. filled with ding dongs.
Double check your contract and see if it says anything about sleeping with your manager
I was christened with Fireball shots by some guy at the bar. I'm practically Jesus now.
We need to borrow someone's dog. Just so we can non-creepily go to PetSmart and watch all the other dogs take photos with Santa
Randomize
