The more I sober up, the more sick I am/realize how weird dancing around a wine bottle was
When my girlfriend drinks sangria it's like winning the vagina lottery
I wish life was like the Sims. Right when you're pregnant the music would play and I would just know instead of agonizing for the next two weeks.
thank god we only have to drink eggnog and rum once a year. It taste like shit.
How does one chug a beer and swing the bottle at someone in a single motion? This guys a beer ninja man
Nothing bad can happen when you have a kiwi flavored condom. Absolutely nothing.
Dude, jerking off when you're all hopped up on pre workout energy supplements has got to be the greatest thing I've ever done.
He said I act like a cross between a kindergartener and a high 70 year old man. Which is inacurate because it fails to account for the disco obsession.
I just wrote the Drag Queen from Saturday Night on FB and apologized for licking her. Weirdest thing I have ever typed...
MEG JUST LICKED A DRAIN PIPE. DAVE PUNCHED MATT IN THE THROAT. ALL BOUNDARIES ARE DOWN. I REPEAT. ALL BOUNDARIES ARE DOWN.
Told him my main goal was to seduce the man and convince him to leave his wife for me. He didn't argue just asked me to let him know if I succeeded so he didn't waste anymore time not sleeping with the secretary at his office. I have an incredible boyfriend.
UHG. i just want to have hot lesbian sex and eat pizza with you.
If you could come do me into like a 12 hour coma that'd be great
so the casino kicked my ass last night, i'm pretty sure i hit a new level of hungover....just showered with my sunglasses on because the bathroom light is too bright
It's not christmas until we're acting sober in front of grandma
Randomize
