sometimes i really wish you were a nugget.
why is there a picture of someone wearing Tevas with socks taped on the wall?
I didnt shave my beard last night, so I could feel it while Im shrooming today
Well, I can't relate. I have no idea what it feels like to withhold sex. Or have self-control in general.
He's spent his last 3 years working at Urban Outfitters. No, I'm not sad I missed out on a life of mustaches, the dollar menu and shitty scarves.
You puked in the drive thru of Taco Bell. You puked as it was being handed to me. You managed to yell out "FIRE SAUCE" in between hurls.
I'm staying at his house to solve the homeless situation. There's a freezer bag of weed in the fridge. He doesn't know it's there, and he's not missing it so I may have an income soon.
I am no longer drunk enough to crave tostitos
Can't feel body but making pizza rolls
im glad to be known as "the girl you had sex with on a golf course"
You're always so late and I'm always so drunk.
I guess it's part of life. Sometimes your ex boyfriend becomes a drag queen.
He showed me his sex playlist and it looked good, so I slept with him.
You tried to fight someone about spaghetti o’s?
That hungover.
THIS IS WHAT CELL PHONES ARE FOR! So you can tell me that you're bringing your coworker who lives in the "Halleleuia community" home for a beer SO I'M NOT DRESSED IN LEATHER LINGERIE WHEN HE WALKS IN THE FUCKING DOOR!!
Randomize
