In Vegas, have spent the last 48 hours wearing a viking helmet and fanny pack. I consider this to be a career high since drinking is my career
That's what happens when you let Keystone Light make your decisions.
i dont know, i woke up and he was going down on me. i guess i can save his number
He measures volume by how much weed he can put in it and surface area by how many people can have sex in it.
the paramedic just looked at me like "you again?"
He kept trying to order 'sex on the tennis courts' for a drink last night
I'm thinking he has to buy me dinner at least twice before i even start considering casting him for "Fuck buddy - understudy."
I walked in and all four of you were covering your heads under the blanket singing waterslides in unison.
It's like a double rainbow in both sides of the sky mixed with The Jeffersons.
thanks for piggy backing me around for the rest of the night when I got too drunk to stand.
Hold your horses dude. Titty pics are a work of art.
I didn't want to fight, I just wanted to tell you to fuckoff.
She's chasing the cat around the house hitting it with a cardboard sword yelling "there can be only one!"
Do you know who these girls are? They're baking a cake, making chicken enchiladas, and bringing me beer everytime I finish one.
He was literally screaming at me for using the same knife to scoop the peanut butter and the jelly.
Randomize
