If that was your dad, he is hot
So I accidentally txted this girl with the same name as the one im seeing, as it turns out shes still dtf
It's sad that he has such a beautiful cock and doesn't know what to do with it.
I changed the background on my phone to a picture of you so whenever I go to look at porn or text another girl I'll have second thoughts
Am I supposed to find that romantic?
Well after last night I am convinced he is real life Tyler Durden. He only exists to me and somehow keeps me out of jail this entire time
She spilled creme de menthe on her crotch and I told her she looked like a menstruating Vulcan (costume idea!). Obviously, I went home alone.
She was pouring Goldschlager in my mouth during the shower sex. How can you NOT like her?
Cocaine can totally be concealed as MAC finishing powder. Drug dealer creds just went up 120 percent
Hiding the dark circles under my eyes this morning was like trying to hide a Beached Whale on the Couch eating Pita chips.
So you're at your daughter's volleyball game looking at dicks online? That's amazing.
No, I was picking her up from volleyball and sitting in my car looking at dicks.
I had to try on three different bathing suits to hide my boob hickies
You wanna know what I want to eat? Questionable Mexican food before I go drink. Makes for excitement. Will I puke it up or shit my pants
Got so high i fell asleep kyaking...for 2 hours.
I'm literally about to create a tinder account. Just so someone drives me to get food.
I just got a handjob in the back of an Uber while a large German dude and a Midwestern fuck-boi sang along in falsetto to the Bohemian Rhapsody.
Randomize
