I think I'd remember a dick in my mouth
time to smoke my breakfast
he forgot there was a midterm today. i watched him break his own finger to get out of it.
whatever buzz i had immediately ended when i saw her run through a sliding glass door
I love you. Happy valentines. Satin Patricks dayyyyyyyyyy. Alreadythrew up. Geeeeerait.
Who the fuck was that guy he kept pulling his dick out walking up to people trying to hand it to people and saying go ahead open the door like it was a door knob
is there a way to sugar-coat "shes in jail" when someone is texting me asking where their friend is?
It's cool, I power napped on the dryer while they were fucking in the bathroom so I'm good to go now. Where are you?
I think once you know a guy's chest measurements the stalking has gone too far..
Leave it to me and my dad to puke on the same guy at the same bar 25 years apart
He seduced me by making me nachos. It worked.
Had a rough day but my boyfriend made that all better by going down on me while letting me watch Top Gear... I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
I've had more sex since the twins moved in than I'd had in the previous four years. They are the best wingman ever.
He’s tiny, hairless and humps my leg when he wants sex. He’s basically a chihuahua
The school better be open next year. I’ve been FB stalking Dads of my incoming students and there’s serious DILFage in this class! Maybe 2020 will turn around!
It’s 2020. You’ll probably get knocked up. If you’re really lucky you’ll just get the clap
Randomize
