guy from last night has fluorescent crocs in his closet. judging by the rest of his clothes he doesn't wear them in an ironic way
I want to make a porn site called "girls with daddy issues"
You filled up my voicemail with a slurred but graphic depiction of how you were humping a fire hydrant.
I had no where to run... The dumpster sounded like a good idea at the time
Second night back. Go to house party and played ring of fire. Me plus five other people completely naked. College wins.. It's going to be a long semester
My mom ate salad out of the vodka bowl
its kind of scaring me that i am turned on by tom cruise in rock of ages
This chick at the gym, just informed me I was super funny this weekend. Especially when I untied her friends bikini top after throwing up in the women's restroom. SWEET black out chronicles has another story
things were going awesome until jimmy put out a cigarette in the everclear.
My snow day: told Cam, "we're not dating today, we're just roommates." No bra, boxers, drinking whiskey by myself for the past 2 hours, yelling at The Ultimate Fighter reruns from 3 years ago.
Your rough animalistic sex sounds are disrupting my cocktail hour
I truly wish I could say I pulled my groin straddling our cab driver but unfortunately I cannot
Simple revenge plan: break into his house and steal one shoe of every pair
This is my college life. Rolling at 4PM on a Wednesday to skrillex in the parking lot of a mexican restaurant.
Don’t drink the Bloody Mary - it’s vodka and salsa.
Randomize
