you know what scares the shit out of me? i have eaten bagel bites since i was a little kid and just in the past five years they started puting "made with real cheese" WHAT THE FUCK WERE THEY USING BEFORE? i mean ive been a bagel biter since the womb
on the bus. saw a kid get off at a red light, puke on the sidewalk, and get back on.
So i'm in a museum and theres a punch bowl from 1765 with a picture of 3 men forcing the 4th to drink the punch bowl. Colonial hazing
Two portable blenders. We are going to be popular and dangerous.
I'm kind of concerned that there are now two different videos of me with knives
The grocery store is a combo of ghetto ppl complaining that the low fat chips are all that's left and hipsters trying to eat organic during the hurricane
It's a gateway drink.... Starts with wine... Then I wake up in my car with mascara on my arms covered in french fries...
I have come to the conclusion that my perfect boyfriend is a cardboard cutout of Link with a dildo attatched. Also, Merry Christmas.
I just folded my boss's lingerie. I need a drink and a raise
It's like you know you got fucjed up when you wake up and check fir your own pulse
She kissed me, then said "mmm your face tastes like it needs my pussy on it."
"my nose is broken but I'm beer pong champ so it evens out really"
So why exactly are your shoes in my freezer?
So I got cockblocked by our relationship status last night
He’s like Batman if Batman went down on me and gave me multiple toe curling orgasms. He left without saying a word before I pulled the pillow off my face
Find out if he’s shared his techniques with a friend and set me up with him. You know I’ve always had a thing for Robin!!!!
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