trying to fathom saturday night and the fact that Rainn Wilson now hates me. my brain hurts.
nothing makes up for a small, perpetually flaccid penis quite like a British accent
I'm drunk at The Bachelor casting call in Cleveland
I cherish every text you send me
We spent three hours cleaning our room this morning. It was spotless and smelling good. I come home from work tonight and she has already smoked weed in it and "accidently" spilled vodka on the floor.
obviously my window is still shattered. they're pressure washing my condo today. i think i need a bloody mary.
We saluted the chips to the national anthem before cooking them. The house has to get a munchies fryer
You insisted on calling your mixture of Bacardi & powdered milk "a Jamacian Facial."
I remember you licked my face and said that's all you're getting
It's been hot as balls outside. It's like getting tea bagged by the Sun.
I just haven't been myself lately. I slept with a guy 21 years older than me and I've been wearing my hair in a center part.
A talk about Arizona woman's rights politics has never turned to sex so quickly before.
I'm slightly more gay than I thought. I'd go so far as to say I'm a top.
I feel you. We can get adjoining rooms. It'll be like Disney world, but with drugs and ivs instead of roller coasters and Mickey Mouse.
Which is way cooler
I AM A GOOD PERSON AND THEREFORE I DESERVE QUALITY DICK!
My boss couldn’t find her phone so she asked me to call it and when I found it the screen said Fuck Toy was calling. I’m very much okay with this
Randomize
