I started dry heaving in the middle of sex and she says "You moan funny."
he walked out as i was licking snow off of his car...
It was only 12:11 and I needed to make a Pepto Latte and call it a night, I don't remember that being part of my new years resolution.
It's my diet secret . . . it's like slimfast but I call it cockfast instead.
Apparently I blacked out and pissed all over the sliding glass door from the inside, as everyone watched from the outside helplessly....
Made dad pull of the highway twice on the way home so I could puke. Yeah i'd say we ended the semester well.
Standards are awful. It's like living in the zombie apocalypse. You can only have sex with certain people
I'm not a home wrecker but if one more married man with a yacht asks me to go scuba diving I'm NOT saying no
Their engagement party consisted of them doing shots, yelling at each other, leaving for 30 minutes, and coming back with smiles.
I'd say they're off to a great start!
Exactly best part of my night he took of his shirt and surprise traveler fanny pack
just like fucking own it. stare that cop in the eye and just keep masturbating "yeah motherfucker Im high as shit and this feels great"
I baked a frozen pizza completely, put it back in the plastic and box, and put it back in the freezer. THAT drunk.
I'm taking a shower and i'm gonna bring my pocketknife with me
But on a side note, how the fuck do you "accidentally " get peed on
I tried to breakup with him by telling I had a threesome. He one upped me by saying he had a 5-some so I couldn’t do it.
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