just caught grandpa beating off in the living room
Apple Jack is not a good idea for breakfast. Whiskey can't replace milk.
i guess when we were done i grunted "unforgiveable" and walked out.
it's ok. you also told me I can feel free to vomit on your blow dryer sometime.
We left an ass print on the piano.
Oh I forgot to tell u. I hit someone with my car in the RiteAid parking lot. More like a nudge.
He told everyone he was freezing their keys so they couldn't drive drunk. When I opened the freezer this morning, my keys were at the bottom of an unfrozen ice cream tub of vodka.
On the back of that comment, I've formed a theory that as a result of my brainwashing your drunk self actually believes that beards are your calling.
Her life is filled with shit luck. Its like mother nature is having her period and just taking it out on her specifically.
That dude with the beard walked up to me, turned my water into wine with everclear and kool-aid, and walked away. Pretty sure drunk Jesus is back.
I will never look at a penis the same again. After that I will appreciate them so much more than I do. Makes me wanna kiss yours just for being pretty
If waking up at 6 50 pm every day and getting invited to go have sex as you wake up is what alcoholism is like I can get use to this.
How many times is too many times to use the word 'fuck' in my thesis?
I'm still hammered too. I started tweeting the time at one point I'm pretty sure.
I came on her face and asked if she wanted fries with that. Currently driving to McDonald's.
Randomize
