I feel like I got hit by a truck made out of Jack Daniels.
heading to class now, facing the weekend consquences
sex in a ball pit. and I thought ghandi did great things.
You do realize I got a panda tattooed on my ass just to get you laid, right?
He went around feeding all the high kids pretzels. He's like their god now
but I'll probably watch some porn later so it's not a complete waste of a Saturday night.
Two word: claymation porn. Think about it.
I don't think I can ever express my appreciation for the things you text me.
captain cockblock got me again last night so i put a squirrel in his room and jamed the door shut
I just came inside of a Gatorade bottle. That hungover.
Nothings harder than putting on a frozen condom.. or should I say softer
At the very least, I mastered a nap while occasionally being dry humped.
I don't know. I wanna do you but I also want a cheeseburger.
Is it acceptable to pay for WiFi on flights solely for the purpose of getting on Tinder to find a sugar daddy on the plane that doesn’t mind upgrading me to first class?
Do it. You’re flying for two weddings. You’re gonna need that first class.
Yeah everywhere i go i feel like a 3rd or 5th or (2n+1)th wheel. That's right, i'm a mathematically depressed drunk.
my roommates gone so i can take codeine and sleep naked
Randomize
