Just got booted from water taxi for showing my balls to a security guard.
My dad just told me he used to masturbate to cat woman...he then proceeded to beat my brother in beer pong and wont let me play...
Thank you for leaving pool of vagina on my girlfriends carpet.
it was like my fingers were behind enemy lines
I just snuked. Sneezed and puked
next time the cops show up in riot gear we should probably leave
and miss being on the news....no way
So there I was praying he didn't go limp again, choking on a long, long gray ball hair. This is my Saturday night. This. Is. My. Life.
I'm having a really difficult time dealing with the fact that my dog now shares a name with Snooki's crotch-spawn.
I woke up to see that I had ripped my boxers into a loin cloth because we were watching last of the mohicans
He just texted me saying "you've got a face that suggests you give really good head". Is this a compliment? Do I say thanks?
I literally have nothing else left to cut besides my drug budget; the dark days are among us
OMFG. JUST WALKED IN ON A DUDE JERKING IT IN THE MCDONALDS BATHROOM
Stall or urinal?
So? Find me, fuck me, then you can go to sleep and I'll leave.
Wow. That's the most amazing thing anyone has ever said to me.
Hey I'm at the gym and I need your personal trainer help. Also can you send me that picture of me eating a sausage. I want to post it on instgram.
this is a mass text: the cage has been opened. repeat, the cage has been opened. a search party will be organized. you are all sloppy bitches. that is all.
Randomize
