God dammit. Now I'm pissed at Arizona, while feeling bad for my poor, poor penis.
You kept spitting the skittles out cause you said they tasted like "balls of sandpaper"
I just found my coat check number in my underwear.
It's one of the many facets of my drunken alter egos. I'm like substance abuse batman.
The sad thing was my husband told her its ok to make out with me. Bar Tuesdays will live on regardless.
It was technically 11... But I go by McDonald's time, if they aren't servin breakfast, it's the afternoon. Therefore I can drink
It was all fun and games until he noticed the hickey that he hadn't given me...
Today is a spill-drugs-all-over-myself kind of day.
If I'm not drunk and wearing a penguin hat by the time we are done opening Christmas presents then coming home for Christmas was a complete failure
Three Asian guys got on the elevator with a handle of Hennessey and a sleeping bag. This is not the start of a joke.
Yes dating, but it seems easier to just live in a perpetual state of Netflix, internet porn, and cheese.
should i feel bad about fucking you on my front lawn the day before you set me up with your best friend?
"Here let me wipe my uterus off your dick" was probably the most unsexy thing said after period sex. I should get an award
Idk if you've ever tried hysterically crying in the shower listening to Florence + The Machine but it's honestly a life-affirming experience
I had a date last night. His dog threw up in his bed while we were having sex in it.
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