I guess i tried to text 911 last night with "someone stole my bong." Thank god that doesn't work...
His uber religious wife caught us having anal sex in their bed..... she called us sodomites. Can you even be a sodomite if you're a girl?
You're not a sodomite. You're a whore. Tell her to get the insults right. Did she try to save you with Jesus?
She said she'd pray for me. Man, if I had just caught my husband balls deep in some ho, I'd say fuck the praying and kick her ass.
the new roommate knocked on my door this morning holding a bong in one hand and my dennys leftovers from last night in the other. love this kid. Best student housing placement ever.
yeah, he just sent me a picture of himself with his shirt off.... It didnt turn me on, it just made me want to buy him a big mac....
if I want to go home with a foreign boy, please feel free to let me go, sober me gives you permission to let drunken me do it
I totally just found ecstasy floating around in the bottom of my purse, it's almost like good karma from the time I lost that blow...but not quite
I just finished spraying the foam party off my pumps with a garden hose
The real estate's complaint had the words "loud squealing at 2am" in it. Then I remembered that was me spoon feeding you guys old potato salad while you screeched like baby birds. Great night.
Well I can't be held accountable to know every which time you slid a finger here or slid a finger there. I'm way too busy getting close to climaxing to document these things.
The whole bar erupted and in happiness and confusion as I went on about pancakes.
So none of you told me my tits were popping out of my shirt for three hours?
We told you. Repeatedly. You said you made it look good.
I just fell down my stairs, guess that's how my sunday is gonna go
he went down on me while I ate Oreos. I don't know what caused the orgasm.
Oh my fucking god, I was conceived on the first date.
The FEDEX guy just cock blocked me by getting his van stuck in my driveway
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