Dude if it is possible to orgasm from shitting i think it just happened.
I've decided to tape numbers to the bottom of my heels corresponding to the number of drinks I can safely consume in them.
Lesson learned. Never get fingered on an airplane.
no, i remember trying to staple my nipples together. I just can't figure out where the hell stapler came from.
The background of my phone is you taped to the wall wearing a cowboy hat
Imagine getting smashed in the dick by a basketball. A basketball made of metal. With spikes. That's pretty much what his dick looked like.
Is it rude if I don't go?
No. It is not rude if you don't go to her cat's Star Wars themed birthday party.
You know what a wolf looks like when it kills a small animal? How it shakes it around in it's mouth? I did that to a bag of Taco Bell last night
A gay guy went down on me in the club bathroom and then fixed my makeup for me
its gonna be a great night
You know you're hung over when the glare from the cream cheese on your bagel is just too bright...
Easter was a success. We had an egg hunt and hid weed and conforms inside them. Cooked a ham, made some jello, got wasted. THIS is adulthood?!
That's why god made go-pro's and tequila
Soo are you just gonna poop in my bathtub and not talk to me anymore...?
Sooo does anyone wanna tell me why I threw up a cigarette this morning?
OMG YOU DID TO?!
Ok, as his sister I didn't tell you this but he's very familiar with pregnancy symptoms. So next time he calls you fat freak him the hell out by asking if your ankles look swollen.
Randomize
