if my vagina gave out awards, he should be preparing acceptance speaches for the oscar, the heisman and the nobel peace prize.
I don't even have to sign up for karaoke at duncans anymore. The karaoke ppl just sign me up themselves. Without my consent. I also sang stacys mom to some lady named Stacy who's mom died yesterday.
Just made my alarm the Lion King song. Too excited about waking up to sleep.
He said I did a backflip off the thing on the doorframe and busted my ass. I'd give anything to remember
I think it got a little awkward for her when my dad walked in on us and did nothing except leave half of his pizza on the table for us.
It's ok. I will share any beautiful men that I drug and leave unconscious on my bed. I'm that kind of friend.
I just got breakfast in bed and he went down on me. And you though he was a bad idea. Shame
He will be forever remembered as "birthday failure" ...Got him to pierce his tongue in my bathroom, but not sleep with me......
A 74 year old man offered to let me sleep on his pull out couch last night.
they asked me about my neuroscience major and I said 'the brain is the outer space of the body' and passed out. it appears my ivy league education is not going to waste
I want the address of the individual responsible for strawbeeritas. I want to send them gift basket.
She referred to my balls as rotund and handsome
If you could come do me into like a 12 hour coma that'd be great
It's 8 in the morning and you're doing coke and drinking margaritas. First, you have a problem. Second, why didn't you invite me?
I need a significant other who'll eat Skittles from my boobs
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