oh God, I have a dick of a middle schooler
just because you are in college doesnt mean its okay to pregame easter mass.
He made fire alarm noises before throwing up all over the street.
Putting the night light in my bathroom cabinet was the best idea ever. Awesome for puking while light sensitive
I expected to wake up with a sext of you posing nude and all I got was a missed call.....disappointed.
I'm sorry I think it was because I lost a chicken nugget in my purse and that's all that was on my mind until 4am
I got us a lift home. Payment may require me giving road head, are you cool just chilling in the back seat pretending to be oblivious to this happening?
Someone broke into my car and stole it then left me $300 to pay for the damages with a lovely note that said "we just couldn't pass up the boxed wine... Sorry about the window."
I just told the toilet I loved it. Bad sign.
to have them in my mouth would be like meeting a unicorn while floating on a cloud of glitter
We're like a dynamic duo.
Bisexual and Proud, Lesbian and Loud.
It was at the same house, but a different party, when lesbians set me on fire. So there's that.
HOLY SHIT. I JUST FOUND OUT THAT THE KARL/RORY BASEBALL FIGHT THAT RORY LOST WAS 2 YEARS AGO TODAY. RIP KARL'S DICK.
I just projectile vomited into my kitchen sink. Today need to be over already.
I don't have any soul left to be crushed.
The fact that the praying hands are in my top emojis defines how 2016 is going so far
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