Yeah we had sex for the first time last night and all the text he sent me afterwards said was “heh”
even my farts smell like vagina
i'm all for saving the environment, but when we get into the shower to fuck, he shouldn't flip his shower hourglass timer
I just walked into his bathroom to see two poops floating... no toilet paper. WTF!?
Question: Is it too early to claim April Fools on the text "can we do some lines before the concert" that I accidentally sent Mom?
Putting the night light in my bathroom cabinet was the best idea ever. Awesome for puking while light sensitive
My therapist is concerned about your alcoholism.
if any part of your body has ever entered my vagina you are fucking obligated to speak to me if i so desire
We could make it cute. Like "oh those two cute lesbians who are about five foot two who sell the cocaine down the street. You know the ones? With the Yorkies?"
I apparantly wanted to name her baby garbage
I think my body is literally trying to get me to reproduce. "fuck someone! Anyone!" - my body
Dad was on the deck drinking straight bourbon. He stopped, puked on his feet, and then continued drinking and talking about compound interest.
I only call her for sex and medical advice. She admitted she feels like a worried parent when her phone rings at 5 a.m.
Black labs can get you to do pretty much anything...even approach strange men in their bath robes
Dude I love you. So much. Thank u. I'm safea. In allysi lns car. Mine towed. If u loved me ud leand me 500 in the morning. Sleep on it nd let me know.
Randomize
