I need to just get drunk and eat a pot pie.
her teeth looked like a whores toenails, i was too horrified to
after the first, "yea you like that baby", i quickly remembered why i had stopped having sex with him.
Why do you apologize after every time we have sex?
No one figured out why I brought along the vibrating massager.
just saw someone climb out of the dumpster at cvs and start walking down the street like it was completely normal
No. No. No. No one's allowed to fuck in the yurt.
Yeah, I only wore tennis shoes under the gown. Way cooler than khakis and a shirt, but much more awkward when my parents wanted to go to dinner immediately after the ceremony and my grandmother started to unzip the gown. Stopped her before it was too late, but barely. My dad just rolled his eyes.
Dude. Where are you? There's a hot chick drunkenly dancing on the bar and aggressively taking shots to Pink songs. She looks like she needs a rebound. Get. Here. Now.
FUCK NYC TRAFFIC.
HIS DICK ISNT BIG ENOUGH FOR HIM TO BE THAT PROUD OKAY
Idk if I should be worried or amused that my autocorrect changes the word STD to DTF.
I'm to the point where I just want to get back at him in a hot man sex tornado way.
Only thing that feels right is being horizontal in the fetal position
Hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking you had a pulse
the orange of my hangover Tang is hurting my eyes... my coworkers knew it was hangover Tang too.
Randomize
