Let's just have a brief moment of silence for my dignity before we start tonight
I need to stop coming to work sober
all nice guys are gay and all hot ones are assholes
You're fat. Stop making excuses
had to bail. she had her cat tattooed on her
Before attempting to fly away into the night you asked me to take care of your sister. I agreed.
handjobs have no place on a baseball diamond
I got called a drunken housewife today in class. I'm proud, not many people can say they've achieved their life goals like I have by the time they turn 20
I just saw a guy in a sombrero and holding an inflated blow-up doll in all her "glory" get escorted out of the mall. I hate Marley.
If he breaks up with me, your job is to keep me drunk and make sure I don't sleep with anyone. Ok?
OMG. Hung over at my grandparents house. Threw up on 3 T-stops, countless snowbanks, and the grandparents driveway. Was proposed to last night. Bruised from head to toe from falling down 3 flights of stairs. Debating my intelligence because it seems that "happy new years" is too hard for me to spell. How were your new years festivities?
He kicked in the door just as I climbed on top of him...and stood there. I felt like I was in a porn. It was invigorating.
Fuck man, my Dad's been single so long I get him a year's sub to a porn site every year for for Father's Day
Cats are difficult to handle. Also they are impossible to baptize.
But I put cranberries and apples in my wine so it's festive drinking not suicidal drinking
in your professional opinion, what's the most elegant way of saying "sorry I spent all night flirting with you, I thought you were gay" ?
Randomize
