I don't know which is more embarrassing, the fact that I shat on the floor today or that I told you about it.
she sucked my dick to get the taste of the last guy's out. I need to find a new friend with benefits.
you referred to yourself as the crossing guard because of your neon shirt and began directing bar traffic
what's the name of the guy at the bank you blew to get the lower interest rate?
um. wrong number, but good luck with your loan
Lost my credit card. M has a bottle of blood in her pocket from a hobo.
Remind me tomorrow that I was taking shots of burnetts in the subway line while placing my order
If we ever start off with margaritas for breakfast and end up naked covered in olive oil...I could think of worse ways to spend a day.
Has anyone ever told you you're majestic like a sea turtle when you fuck?
And your cock privileges have been revoked.
Great way to live...just blowing loads on upholstery
Do they make liter beers?
They make 40s
Do they make 2 liter beers
They make 2 40s
I felt like I was selling my soul to satan but then I realized I already pawned it for drug money
He told me to be a woman and make him dinner. So I threw a bagel at him and went out to dinner.
I like to be the stable force in your otherwise chaotic existence.
I wish the guy in the stall next to me would stop moaning while taking a dump.
I wish you'd stop texting me from the toilet.
I just remembered something from last night. check your closet.
Randomize
