life is all about the fine print - all i wanted was a fucking pony.
We fucked standing up with my right leg over his shoulder. Thank you mom and dad for having once enrolled me in gymnastics. It has finally paid off
I just worked out and used handles of vodka as weights. Whoever said alcoholism is detrimental to you health obviously has no fucking idea.
The goblet must only be used for good. And vodka. And anything t-pain would be proud of.
I went to a bar in my pajamas last night. I'll be there again tonight in a wolf costume.
I just crawled out of bed at 5AM to make her a peanut butter and Nutella sandwich. Somewhere in the distance, I could hear whips cracking.
And then he serenaded me with "Pimps don't cry" from 'The Other Guys'. If that's not love I'm not sure what is
My friend wants your phone number so you can teach her how to take a beer bong. She saw you doing them last night and got jealous.
Just tell her to open her throat. I don't want to talk to anyone who is jealous of someone who woke up this morning with a cat in their shirt as a result of that glorious beer bonging skill.
I've seen you dance and let's just say its a good thing you don't have a small dick
I'm not sure when I will get off this toilet at work but it's not looking promising
I tried to put my heels in the coat check
its weird getting into a political debate with a pony dressed as an anime character online
Yeah, oh and the story gets better. His friend was dressed as a christmas tree wrapped in twinkle lights and had to plug himself in the wall all night.
They gave me 4 meds at the health center and said not to take alcohol with any of them. Guess ill wait until tomorrow to feel better.
I’m doing tequila shots with lesbians. This isn’t how I planned my night but I’m not complaining
Randomize
