Bea Arthur died! :(
What?
Big bird passed.
Had sex with him. My tampon is now in my brain. May need surgery.
fuck. did you have to draw it on me with a permanent marker
she sang that "this little piggy song" to my balls. and somehow made it work, with me only having two balls instead of five.
I will give you vagina for bag of have'a corn chips.
I woke up to 30 angry texts and her Chihuahua in my room. Can you drop him off for me?
I'd like to come home and be able to sleep in a bed that's not filled with crumbs from you getting too high and passing out while eating. This is seriously getting ridiculous.
the doctor brought back painful memories by lecturing me about your teeth marks that are still on my dick.
There where 3 half naked girls passed out on the pool table, I crawled under it and just as I was about to go to sleep some guy walks up and says: "dude nice spot" walks away and comes back with a pillow.
When people ask about my bruises, I'm just going to say it was a doorknob. Or possibly a group of doorknobs. Angry doorknobs.
My hands always smell like pizza crust when im hungover.
It makes me really sad that some people start their saturdays running or biking instead of with 3 shots of tequila, a sausage biscuit, freaks & geeks and 2 orgasms.
I climbed up on the tank of the toilet so I could take a slo-mo vid of myself pissing into the garbage can, but the base of the toilet shattered and I had to bail.
do nipples grow back?
Did he pick you up in a mini van?
Yes. Turns out my sugar daddy is about to be an actual daddy
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