I just figured I'd let u know that you bought a yacht on ebay last night
dude, she was giving me a lapdance and her thong had a skid mark. no I did not hit it.
I walked downstairs and he was standing in nothing but his boxers with his dick hanging out warming up eggs in the microwave.
Is it going to be one of those nights where I shouldn't wear my contacts so everyone looks more attractive?
im actually so stoned and hungover i feel like a bag of jello stuffed into a human shape
The bet was for naked jumping jacks. And it back fired, she just laughed at all the slapping noise.
How the fuck you gonna play love don't cost a thing in a strip club?
Oh! You were the one walking around cradling the bottle of Fireball all night!
That awkward moment when the guy you were hitting on at the bar last night is a possible suspect in a murder case.
You left your Xanax bottle in my car. Why is the label all smudged?
I spilled wine on it.
Why did I not realize how important my fridge was till I was drunk. It keeps all my food cold its like my own cold box
You WHAT?!?!
Paid. A. Homeless. Guy. To. Throw. A. Drink. In. Her. Face.
I fucking love you.
Um so I might have accidentally on accident maybe blew up the bottom half of your truck...
Only I could dislocate my ribcage coaching volleyball and still want to get drunk tonight.
& I came downstairs to find my whole family discussing the fact that I have a vibrator, which my mom found accidentally....
Randomize
