Sometimes I wonder if we could be friends if we lived closer.
I think I just was a dick to Paul Rudd.
So I fucked an Aussie broad with huge feeders last nite 2x... Before banging her she was blowin me & I thought: "SHE IS GOIN DOWN-UNDER ON ME". Laughed out loud
Thanks for the three minutes of sex tonight.
Apparently last night I sat at the bar with an upside down sharpie lightning bolt on my forehead, yelling "It's Harry Potter's birthday! Let me be on the qudditch team!" And I kept calling the bartender Dobby. There are videos.
My life is like the prequel to "40 Year Old Virgin"
I'm sitting at the bar eating dinner next to a nerd, a guy in a 10 gallon hat, and a policeman. I feel like I joined The Village People
i cant be the least bit upset about his new gf cause all i think is that she has to put things in his ass
So we were banging and she started puking all over my bed. I'm not sure what's worse, her puking, or that I felt the urge to start singing Flip-adelphia.
How do you not remember seeing the kid from our chem lab table and repeatedly yelling "lab partners for life!" at him?
You don't even know. The entire marching band thinks I'm an alcoholic.
I seriously need to grocery shop. I have a slice of cheese, and alcohol.
Mom and dad should be so proud half of their children have gotten naked in the same local grocery store
It's just not St. Patrick's Day until someone pukes on your panties.
bonging vodka is the same level of "good idea" as eating machetes
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