i can totally see doctors naming an STD after you
he puked in his toast at dennys. after snoopdogg high fived him. couldn't be prouder to be his bro in law.
This girl can open a bottle without using her hands and she's 21. She meets my standards
Sorry I kept grabbing your vagina at the casino. I believed it was my lucky unicorn to win bonuses
Do you think she will like "you don't have to swallow this time" gift certificates for Xmas?
Is "incoherent" a legit goal to strive for tonight? Or should I stay sober enough to fuck who I can?
I piss off the neighbors just so I can have someone to compete with.
I DON'T EVEN KNOW ONE MINUTE IM SITTING HER THE NEXT IM FLYING PASSED THE MOON
PISSING MYSELF IN ZERO GRAVITY
THOSE AIN'T STARS U SEE TONIGHT GURL
Officially drug you out of White Castle last night by the hood on your sweatshirt after you cussed out the attendant and stole the satisfaction guaranteed sign because they were closed!
And then we felt it necessary to continue drinking for another 4 hours, yikes
I really dont wanna go to a traffic light party. I have nothing red to pretend I'm taken with. Without something red my "my girlfriend is away in the mines" story wont work.
My flask has coffee in it for finals week.. So that's responsible right?
JEREMY RENNER GOT DIVORCED. I STILL HAVE A CHANCE.
I don't know what's worse. The fact that my biological mother is an unwitting bigamist, or the fact that my half sister is trying to seduce my girlfriend.
I'm just hitting the tip of the iceberg on accents for this trip...so basically my panties are done for.
I'll text you when I have a mental breakdown about it.
Please do.
Randomize
