You stood up and started yelling"Free blow jobs!" because you thought people would like you more.
Just facebooked the guy whose name you're yelling in there. So you're aware, his interests include "swearing at babies" and "Ice luge"
When i look at that picture of him, i'm a little proud to be like yeah, his dick was in my mouth saturday no big deal.
all I know is he gave me a Cialis and tried to take me home.
in the event i get tipsy, my nipples are your responsibility
Sorry I was drunk and left blood all over your back seat I was pretending to be in private Rayan and used your thong as a bandage
How did you make it to work sans hangover?
4 words: Clif Bar soaked in tequila. Just like albert pujols
The best part of my day was getting high in the parking lot of the movie theater and taking pics in the photo booth with the caption "CONGRATULATIONS!" we geeked out because it congratulated us for getting high
I'm mentally preparing myself to hang out with him by staring into the mirror saying "thou shalt not get naked" over and over.
So I come back home and a huge flock of enormous vultures are on my roof
They're waiting for you to die
Drunk girl in a bikini just tried to bite my face, it's officially spring break
I seriously had alll four of your knuckles bruised into my arm
We couldn't find her anywhere. Finally, I saw her sitting in my bathroom floor spraying hair mouse into her mouth and whispering "I fucking love whipped cream." WHAT DID YOU GIVE HER AND CAN I HAVE SOME?
I fucked a 6 foot tall guy who has abs showing without even flexing... I am a wizard and I have magical powers.
Always great to be boarding a plane when you realize that what you thought was gas is actually very untrustworthy
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