I just had to have my mom look at my penis to figure out what it was. How do you think my day is going?
who the fuck tagged pancake nipples on my profile picture?
My dad just told me if I'm going to smoke pot, to make sure I use a clean needle. WTF?
She was wasted. Kept yelling "what if I'm pregnant" and trying to push me into the tree. First and last time I bring a girl to my family christmas party.
Hey bro u need to come home now, me and andy just had a 15 minute conversation about fig newtons. f this bong
i was told that i was found face down in a plate of ketchup at the dinner table
Next time when I try to seductively eat onion rings while drunk remind me of tonight.
why did you let me tell everyone that you can get herpes from the ice luge and then let me do the ice luge?
hahaha lucky. I'm fishing with some dude I just met when I woke up next to the mohawk river
Even jesus won't love me after tonight. I'm going hard.
I feel like I have two modes: Super fuckin high, or super giddy from caffeine. I have learned to accept this.
Just woke up with the taste of tequila, weed, and cigarettes in my mouth spooning a friend I haven't seen since college wearing one contact and one ankle sock. I hate myself.
So her ex boyfriend came up a lot in conversation while I was fucking her. Is that weird?
Who the fuck has a conversation during sex?
are you still alive?
no.
i'll cry at your funeral. and leave a burrito by your tombstone
Should I put the spider I likely swallowed in my sleep into my calorie tracker?
Randomize
