We just had the worst moment of our late twenties.... We just realized we are too old for the real world
ATMs should seriously have built in breathalysers, I would save so much money.
She should get an extra 30 days for that Georgia Rule movie......terrible.
I'm making celebratory pizza rolls. They're a lot like regular pizza rolls, but without the taste of shame.
I fucked your brother... Hey, at least we know he is not gay... You're welcome.
If there was a tv show called "True Life: My 58 Year Old Dad Rolls Better J's Than Me" I'd be on it.
The one time my sister did shrooms she thought she was thumbalina. I can't live my life that way
My boobs looked so good under the black light I saw a girl physically cover her boyfriend's eyes.
Woke up in a hotel room with some random guy then walked over a mile to the bus stop where I laid down and waited on the bus. GREAT NIGHT
I lost my voice. So I'm going to pretend I'm Ariel with legs today.
We were making fun of some people having sex on the beach, an hour later we were having sex on a golf course
He climbed over 2 rows of the cab and told some random girl we were riding with that he would be in the back seat if she wanted to have sex
I just want to say that I've always loved you and you are my best friend ever
You gave that creepy guy my number, didn't you? You really need to learn how to just say no, not interested.
If he wants a future he'd best figure out the calendar function on his phone. If he can invite you to his penis he can invite you to his google cal.
She said she hasn't cheated on me in 7 and a half days and she'd like praise for that.
Randomize
