I spilled a beer on myself, so I went back to my place to change. The city marshall was at my door with a warrant. That beer cost me 760 bucks.
The dutch village is so much worse hungover. Fuck them and their wooden shoes.
No one showed up yet so I smoked 4:20 on chatroulette with a naked chick..
at 6am he came into my room and kicked me in the stomach. when i finally got up he was passed out in my hallway and the bathtub water was running
Walked in on my boss having phone sex at work... and somehow this didnt bother nor embaress him
Can we just ponder our lives for a second.
No I think my brain may implode in a puff of cocaine and sparkles.
we're meeting twins and drinking tequila. i love life
Im going to bed. I'm seeing 7 of everything and my world smells like gravy
I never woulda thought that back in kindergarten playong kickball that'd i'd be 24 getting plastered in front of the white house and winning a kickball championship in a young adult drinking league
I've been randomly kik messaging bearded men I find on Instagram while sitting unshowered in my underpants. I'm like the girl version of a creepy uncle.
He's so twisted that he's acting out Dragon Ball-Z by himself. The Tanquray and THC combo doesn't play around.
I didn't know what to say so I just sent him a chicken emoji
so i showed up to the bars in a sombrero and a tie as a headband... so yeah, they didn't let me in
i just found a pair of your underwear stuffed behind my harry potter books...was that on purpose?
haha no, it was majik
Sorry dude, one minute I was flirting with a bachelorette party from Dallas and the next I’m being tied to the bed by the bride
Trying to wrangle us an invite to the wedding
Randomize
