I skipped work to stalk him.
It's like a parade of train wrecks.
Should I go home with him even though I know my Run DMC undies have skid marks on them?
Don't worry about later. I already pre-ordered a pizza for a 1:45 delivery and told them to ignore any calls from your number.
You're getting good at this, you know that?
what did you hear about me?
that you are a very nice girl and a pleasure to be around
that was hard to say and not laugh
New plan, instead of sleeping with her, I'm just going to use her to sleep with the entire sorority.
We stopped her at 12
12 shots? Or 12 midnight?
Which answer would freak you out less
Shame should no longer be a word in your vocabulary.
Hey, can you come over and kill me real quick
The two girls sitting next to me are asking siri "Like, uh, how do you know my name?". Do I fuck with them or fuck them?
Thanks so much for having me, I'm really sorry that I almost caused your dog to catch on fire and also for breaking your doorknob
I have 3 bottles of vodka in my room telling me not to go to work tomorrow.
Nothing like sitting at your midterm pissed at yourself because you put your graphing calculator batteries in your vibrator and forgot to put them back in before the exam 😑
I have 2 phone numbers written on my vagina. I told you I shouldnt be left to my own devices after tequila shots.
Ah Christ I think I've reached the single life mentality 100%. I just inquired a photographer about a photo shoot with my dog.
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