there is no way he can be that small
look on the bright side he'll over comepensate
I wana party with Kermit the frog, no wait. Fozzy the bear. He's probably a silly bitch when he's drunk.
Found out that no one else got Christmas bonuses...and you said nothing good could come from sleeping with my boss.
I feel like that needs to be the last time i end a text with "fuck them i love tequila".
I hope my orgasm sounds aren't secretly that bad and no one tells me
How does this dude know what a dying walrus sounds like? That's the real question
there's a guy in the del taco parking lot doing pushups. let's be his friends
Remember that girl that we found passed out in the dorm study room under a pile of money and jimmy johns wrappers? She's standing right on front of me.
Watching this game makes me realize that we have yet to do Skype shots. What kind of long distance alcoholics are we?
HE ASKED IF I HAD SIBLINGS WHEN I ASKED HIM TO LICK MY ASSHOLE
I'm doing an Uber ride of shame in a red, white and blue bikini top and America shorts. Good for me.
I promise that I won't shotgun beers with your boyfriend this time, Scouts Honor.
I wore the clothes I got arrested in last night to work today.....there is no where but up from here!
I found a used condom in my purse this morning. It was in there with a bunch of smushed french fries.
we went book shopping, so yes this relationship is going to be about more than sex
You said you made a new recipe, but it turned out you just cooked ramen with vodka instead of water.
Randomize
