I just saw a guy masturbating vigorously at the bus stop across from del taco at 2:30am...im pretty sure he wasn't even homeless
i mean really, i cant compete with a cucumber
Remember when we were trying to guess how many people could fit in my shower? The answer is 7
She just dipped a dollar bill in her queso dip and almost ate it before I slapped it out of her hand, no more bar crawls..
its like she was born with a silver dick in her mouth
id pay someone 5 dollars to tell me whos house im at right now. comfy couch though
Guy next to me at the plasma center is high and watching porn on his itouch. I am wayy to hung over for this level of poor.
Turns out I wasn't throwing up blood, I just threw up so hard it ripped my tonsils. Thank you Jameson.
We've only been here for 15 hours and our names are already on 2 separate police reports. We've also been given our "final warning" by the cops and hotel management.
It's like, "you literally have no idea who i am but i definitely slept with your brother in your bed."
I forgot to lock the bathroom door. He walked in, saw me on the toliet, nodded, and walked back out.
I don't think I'm ever gonna need a boyfriend again. I have a body pillow, a vibrator, and I'm strong enough to open my own jars.
Remind me to NEVER AGAIN mix beer with tequila with beer with whiskey with vodka with rum with vodka.
woke up this morning and she was gone. but she left a box of donuts on the counter with a note saying "for all the 'o's you gave me last night"
boys just don't understand what they're missing out on.
he's missing out on my boobs looking marvelous this evening.
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