You'd think with all the porn he watches he'd be a little better at this...
Just passed a strip club with a Marquis sign that said 'tis the squeezin'
i want the original willy wonka imagination song to come on when i take a girl to my room
There's some muscle relaxers in my bedside table. Sorry if my dildo is in the bathroom.
six ambien and a bong later...he was calling me blueberry princess who need rescuing from the evil oven, and he was sir Eatsalot.
I was taking a bath while he walked in, sat down on the toilet, and said "its like a baby, I can see it crowning."
Judging by the garbled spelling in the calendar reminders in my phone, drunk me really wanted sober me to take a pregnancy test today.
Question: If I got in a car accident and lost my memory of us, would you work your way back just so we could be fuck buddies again?
I'm watching The Vow and just need to know that I'm loved in some way
I look like shit btw. Like the joker from Batman.
I'm not sure how that's possible unless you put on face paint. Which I would respect.
He pulled a bucket of fried chicken out of his backpack as a peace offering. Under the chicken was a rainbow bag of weed. We're dating again.
I woke up with a massive hangover and realized I still had an entire bottle of tequila in my car...so yeah, working on tomorrow's hangover.
I thought adderall would sober me up, but it did NOT.
I left at 4:30 in the morning and I told him it was because I had to take my contacts out
You burped in your shoe and whispered 'you're mine now'
just blew him in the library. I am a classy dame
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