3:12 am: but i thought i was coming over tonight, don't fall asleep i wore new underwear
At some point I made a semi-conscious decision that i was okay with sleeping in my own vomit.
i saw like six of her guido cousins in the jersey shore trailer alone. her family is having a dinner party for the premiere tonight.
Met some locals. They are taking me to a place where there is topless bullriding. I love this country.
She literally pulled the door off the hinges and "dropped" it down the stairs... Do I just say 'good job' and put her to sleep?
that's like... drinking popov and saying its the worlds best vodka. you gotta try some others first. THERE SHOULD BE A MISS AMERICA PAGEANT. but like, mr penis. and they can do tricks and make unintelligent remarks and wear sparkly condoms.
Exact words that were just spoken as she was on her 6th, yes 6th piece of bread: "I'm only eating the soft and chewy inside of the bread-I am taking the crust home to feed my turtles"
Was booty called last night and I was so blacked out that my roomie made me puke before going to "eye of the tiger." Why I'm still single is beyond me
Is it inappropriate to send a happy 3-year anniversary of having a threesome with you and your ex girlfriend on easter text?
HE GAVE ME ONE OF HIS BEERS.
YOU'RE THE CHOSEN ONE.
You're telling me he never had to ask for a blow job and he STILL broke up with you? I call bullshit on that one.
I think I need to expose myself to your dog so he knows that I am also a male.
When you have to have Siri remind you that you're on your period cuz you're so drunk you keep forgetting about tampons it might be time to call it a night.
Nothing ruins an orgasm faster than accidentally calling out his boss's name
I cam home to find him twitching on the floor, surrounded by unopened condoms and covered in cranberry sauce (yes I tasted it) while Thundercats was playing.
Randomize
