I never want a future conversation of ours to include the words "quart of semen" in it
I hated hipsters before it was mainstream.
You've picked up chicks by quoting metal bands
When they're drunk they believe it's Shakespeare...enjoy the simple things
I gave him head and we watched Fashion Police. somehow it wasn't awkard.
There are too many people and smells in this elevator for my hangover to handle.
Me and Phil are just drawing pictures of thumbs in different costumes during lecture. I love being a senior.
I can't tell if I'm getting better at doing my online spanish hw drunk or if my teacher is just grading on creativity. Either way that senoritas gettin an applebees gift card when i graduate.
can anyone on this campus do anything sober?
I just peed on a rich man's lawn fuck yeah America
My Easter Basket from my parents consisted of one chocolate bunny and a massive amount of condoms and a single note saying "the pope approves of the use of condoms" love mom and dad
Giiirrrllll. Back to back snaps of dicks. Two different guys sent me their dick at the same time. This is totally what our founding fathers meant with life, liberty, and the pursuit of happiness.
I paper cut my nipple reading mail topless
This toilet bowl is my home.
Let me set the mood for you. Do you remember Britney Spears in her Hit Me Baby One More Time era? Well I just fucked this college girl I shit you not her name is Persephone and she looks exactly like Britney Spears back when she was hot. I might be in love.
Just got high with dad
Correction: more high. He's sharing gummy bears with me.
Randomize
