id tell you what to do, but my morals dont exactly scream, "Listen to this guy!"
that ring i bought was worth the 6 bucks. wore it to the bar, told some girl i was recently divorced and wasnt ready to take it off. just got laid. THRICE.
During breaking dawn, he leaned over and asked me why she would have to worry about her period since she essentially just married a walking super-absorbant tampon... It was the best way to ruin those movies for me.
This is my transition from small talk texts to booty call texts. Coming over?
Quite the smooth talker. There in 5.
I forgot to tell you, the medics put you in a wheel chair. ( I kept telling you to cat daddy) oh you also gave everyone high fives for speaking English.
Why do I have a bunch of cash....and your bra.
6 beers, 3 orange crushes, & half a fire ball later & you get my alter ego.
Guess what I signed up for?!?!?!
Please tell me you're not selling your eggs.
You forgot the part where I played Slip and Slide with my own puke and fucked up my knee.
Using mass transit when I'm hungover makes me feel like I missed my calling as a serial killer
And as the acid sets in, he looks back at the shallow form he used to call his and whispers "3 pee pees strong"
Executive decision.... we are cuddling naked
I experienced pure joy just moments ago when I looked down and saw that I had another pop tart to consume down my mouth hole.
Omg I joined a choir last night...
I wet willied a stranger last night didn’t I?
Randomize
