my phone needs a breathalizer
Convinced the bartender that I'm a congressman. Free Drinks. God bless America.
Playing drinking games to Nancy Grace totally counts as "keeping up with current events.."
please don't text me until you can spell three letter words again.
Also I hooked up with a trainer at my gym. Between her, the married chick, and the bartender, my life is becoming a bad porn plot.
I cried and ate like 6 tacos in the taco bell parking lot at almost midnight, sober, alone, listening to a demi lavato cd. And that was the good part.
Just saw a guy walking down the street carrying a giant inflatable penis
Just arrived at our party
Lots of alcohol last night skiing this morning = me throwing up off chairlift
were you high?
When?
Actually just blanket yes to that question
Okay let's look at your past accomplishments you've done hungover... Sat great score, academic decathlon, state for track. I think you are solid to go out tonight
When you're trying to sneak from the bathroom to your room with dildo, but it glows in the dark and suddenly your entire life is illuminated in the shape of dick
I mean I could but due to my age and being a mother and all I feel it's poor judgment to give fellatio in a public establishment.
Last night at a party someone grabbed my ass so I just fucking punched them in the face then went home and ate a frozen pizza
my extended weekend of being as irresponsible as possible started with blowing the bartender in the bar bathroom. off to a good start.
Hahah I’ve never had someone stop me mid-coitus to tell me how amazing I am. Def ego boost.
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