I bought a goldfish, named it after my ex-girlfriend, and let it die. It's really the little things in life.
I swear, you have an app for that. "Attention: your boyfriend is pooping. Place call?"
so if i die before i go back to school its because the thing we found in the hallway that i've been smoking out of is a crack pipe
just had wine and brownie batter for dinner. Single life is good
Some mysterious chinese delivery man dropped off 2 free egg rolls. Clutch
If we both stop thinking about your penis for just a moment, we'd realize it is important and good that you are spending quality time with your family
I remember sitting there at the toilet, bleeding everywhere and thinking, "I walked from my bedroom to here. What happened?"
you referred to yourself as the crossing guard because of your neon shirt and began directing bar traffic
after she pushed someone down the stairs to get more vodka we lost her for a while and found her on the pole in the garage pouring water on herself
You almost set me on fire last night.
You probably deserved it.
well I have to shit but I'm too hungover to push, and I snorted advil so I wouldn't have to swallow it and throw up.. hungover is an understatement.
I've come to realize that I need a break from life when I just tried to use my address numbers as the cook time on the microwave
I'm SO high. And there is so much pudding in this car
Dude, I'm at a wedding and there's a mashed potato bar and bacon strip appetizers. I'm getting all emotional.
I will bring Jesus to court if he punishes me for that
Randomize
