I love how you send me nude pics of girls you're fucking and name them by which city they're in instead of their name. "This is Nashville, this is Tupelo, this is Jackson..."
you wouldn't stop saying "oil can" in the tin man voice until I gave you back your flask
I no longer question where these bruises come from... between the strip pole in the living room, the slipnslide in the hallway and our constant level of intoxication I will always be bruised...
You planned my entire going away party sitting in the bath tub cradling a bottle of Cuervo. You promised me fire jugglers. And a pinata.
You better of fucked him last night or do it now because he is buying all the roommates McDonald's.
Just so you know swallowing does not help chest colds. Your Phd can suck my dick
Dude your not gonna get by security covered in blood wearing only a robe
Don't worry I'm drunk they won't say anything
We need to be on the same page regarding the 3some this time. No more "one of us should probably leave" moments.
They didn't have a "sorry I was late for your birthday party because I was getting arrested" card.
Couldn't find my swimsuit top anywhere this morning but finally found it in the skimmer of the pool so thats how my night apparently went
All three of my roommates have their significant others over. We're all hanging out in the living room. It's like I'm the trifecta of third-wheeling
GOT MY PERIOD AND AN INTERNSHIP OFFER THIS IS A WONDERFUL DAY
My date bailed but I got to take a nap so I'm cool with it.
The way I see it, there's 2 types of friends. Those you should do drugs with, and those you really,really shouldn't.
I think my FWB just broke up with me and i don't know how I feel about that
Randomize
