I've eaten cheese dip for three consecutive meals. I think I need to branch out.
do not get into a discussion with my roommate when im sitting there naked ever again.
apparently "preggers as fuck" isn't an appropriate way to describe someone...
His concept of male bonding is doing lines in adjacent stalls.
Apparently I used ziplock bags to smuggle my drink out with. By pouring it in one, then cut the corner like it was an icing bag later that night. What is wrong with me?
Just described your amazing cock to a complete stranger. I am officially the worst wingman (chick) ever.
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
Dude, he threw a pool chair off of an 8 story building. It was a successful night I'd say.
Dad says your scarf isnt fooling anyone and u look like a douchebag, its literally the perfect time to tell him your gay
She offered to treat me to breakfast after a one night stand if I meet her parents and sex again if I act as her bf. It may be a trap but its a offer I won't refuse.
No one should ever be so high that they forget the food. That's just...its a violation of God and Nature, of the very laws that we live by!
I wanna snuggle with you as we feed each other chipotle burrito bowls and that's just where I'm at right now
It's a good thing he's hot, because it seemed like he was trying to do CPR on my private parts
It's just not St. Patrick's Day until someone pukes on your panties.
Jenna is yelling bc of the condom wrappers and cum stains. This is the 3rd and last time you have sex in my roommates bed.
Randomize
