It's really awkward to greet the pastor when I know I've licked chocolate syrup off his daughter's chest.
i was picked up off the floor by a stripper, if thats not a new life low then i dont know what is.
He went down on me and then slapped my ass saying "thanks for the confidence boost"... is this all I'm good for?
Are you really this nice or are you just trying to get in my pants?
Both?
I'm never telling my kids not to take ecstasy, never. Idk what my mom was thinking.
i wish i coudl send you meat via computure
The gym has a pool
my gym membership just went from "way to get in shape" to "place to go swim when I'm high"
Would it be weird if I told you I thought of you when I masturbated?
Looks like I'm more than just your Mexico mistake...
Listen up tinkerbell, You're gonna come to the bar, hit on some fat chicks, and step up when I punch someone in the face.
This day sucks. I just wanna play ostrich and bury my head in your boobs.
which guy lost his keys in my bed this weekend?
Imagine getting a FB inbox "hey I found your ID on the floor of a bar can you send me a mugshot so I can get a second piece of ID made?"
My mom is currently drinking alone in our kitchen singing the Dixie Chicks to herself so, hey, alcohol is forever and we should not be shamed for its use.
Are you texting, crying and driving?
And missing part of my eyebrow. Correct that is the description one would give of me at the moment.
I am stoned, not wearing a bra, and a woman. There is no way in fuck I am getting on a fucking bus.
Randomize
