Just saw a homeless guy with a sign that said "Family abducted by aliens. Need money for ransom" and on the back of the sign it said "And it's only $.88"
the guy i hooked up with is asleep on our couch. please dont fuck him.
scratched cornea got me an eyepatch and a blowjob from a girl with a thing for pirates
Before you say anything, my vagine does NOT discriminate against young dads
I woke up to the sound of gentle rain, only to realize I was laying under a urine trough in the men's restroom. Fuck you, bourbon. Fuck you.
I took an adderall. This is weird. My eyes are really wide open and I am really good at staring. I've written on 9 peoples walls and updated my status. I am getting shit DONE!
In the middle of our bar crawl last night we stopped to pet dogs at a dog park. who would let a drunk person bet play with their dog???
Why did you load my phone up with pics of Al Gore?
So I fucked him. Then I MC Hammer'd to the bathroom, where I did the robot in celebration of my accomplishment. And then I spent 10 mins fixing my toilet. But YOLO.
Wait..I'm drunk and butt naked making a pizza. Happy Wednesday.
I woke up with my shoes still on and my pants around my ankles cause I couldn't get them over my shoes
he just left the suite without pants on wrapped in Christmas lights
I thought you died. Don't forget it's burger night.
You just kept yelling "you ain't got no pancake mix." to the tv screen
Just saw a fat guy on a flower print moped. He's my hero.
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