my elementary bus driver served me drinks last night. He hooked me up
i took a field sobriety test yesterday. a crowd gathered, watched me pass it and applauded. then the cops arrested me because i took a bow and fell over.
I need to not be around brick walls while intoxicated.
My mom and I were trying to explain to my sister what an uncircumcised penis looks like. We had some minor disagreements.
I'm currently witnessing my drunk neighbor attempting to fold laundry on his front lawn. I think he's trying to spell out HELP.
I made out with all three roommates...I didnt realize that was actually an awkward situation.
Her mom offered to give me a lap dance. I was a guest, I couldn't say no.
He has in a pan: ten pieces of bacon, two cloves of garlic, an egg (not scrambled or hard boiled, just an egg) and frozen corn.
Y'know, "Class cancelled because Professor is stuck in Mexico," is not something I expected in college. Let alone, "Professor is stuck in Mexico, AGAIN."
Just realized ive been sitting through all of lab with a condom in my bra.
yay hump day
As i was walking home this morning some old lady was walking her dog and i said hello to her as our paths in life met, then i proceeded to puke in someones front yard and never looked back
I paused the movie when the delivery guys arrived, and while they were assembling the bed, one of the guys pointed to the tv and said "why so serious?" And it made the whole experience happy.
He didn't even realize I was drunk. He probably just thought I loved Torchwood so much that I no longer knew how to use my thumbs
Seeing my ex post concert Snapchat videos as an Instagram really reinforces that I made the right choice...
So high that I just walked into class, late, sat down in my desk, and tried to buckle my seatbelt.
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