I wish the health center treadmills counted beers burned not calories
Seriously. Doesn't matter if I went out last night, work is like crafts class w.a side of facebook
I feel so much closer to you now that I heard your poop splash into the toilet.
I just asked the bartender if I could get insurance on my drink in case I spilled it.
I barely remember the girls that I got pregnant, you think I'm gunna remember the ones that played handball
It's all fun and games until some random starts jerking it on the deck.
Vodka and tater tots have managed to satisfy me more than most of the guys I've slept with.
You were making out w/ur brothers coach against a door when someone opened it and you both fell through... Then you continued to make out on the ground
I feel like the first time i have to use my accident insurance its going to be in some sex mishap with you.
And what in gods fuck were you drinking. It tasted like windex with a mixture of juce
I said "one day" and that day is not today
i just read a article called "Booze, Drugs, and Bipolar Disorder"... i think someone is writing the memoirs of my life
Pandemic Silver Lining: cheap hotel rates makes it easier to have afternoon fun with my side dick
I just snorted sandwich everywhere.
I hope it smells nice :)
IT DOESN'T BECAUSE I HAVE MEAT COMING OUT OF MY NOSE, DAMNIT.
I’m never getting home or fucked or eating hot Taco Bell fml
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