mornings like this make me wish i was morman.
last night i used 411 to try and contact britney spears.
dollar well spent
i don't know whats more disturbing, that his dog drooled directly into my mouth or that i was too drunk and tired to do anything except let it be there.
How am I supposed to spread my seed with you "modern women" and your birth control?
I'll listen to your side of the story when you stop being such a whore.
I'm about to play Thunderstruck by myself, that way I'll always get the long thunder part.
You wouldnt be able to explain the can of green beans in my mailbox, would you?
My pupils are so HUGE you can see into my soul from 2 miles away
im so proud of her that she got shit faced finally. This must be what it feels like to see you kids get their diploma or some shit.
She just tricked me into telling her the balance of my 401k... She's like a gold digging jedi mind trick ninja
You better fucking tell me or I'm turning blow job week into go fuck yourself week.
I feel badly that he has cancer, but this does not mean I am obligated to have sex with him. Again.
of fours songebofy did dknt stop believing
how legible are my texts
Currently sifting through all the dick pics and nudes for a picture of my dad and I to post on social media for Father's Day...
You spent twenty minutes waxing poetic about her ass and her thighs
Randomize
